One year my father got a brilliant idea- "let's go out and cut down our own Christmas tree". Now this was the man who had no idea how to fix anything. He couldn't fix a hole in the fence. He didn't know how to put oil in his car. He never used a saw. But he was notoriously optimistic and cheap. He would rather spend a whole afternoon searching for a tree and cutting it down, for free, than to go and buy one for $25.
So we all loaded into the station wagon-like Chevy Chase in the Vacation movies. We lived on an island so we had to travel about 20 miles across the bay and into the pine barrens to locate a tree to cut down- did I mention this was free?
Well, we found a spot and got out and started to search for the perfect tree. Meanwhile my mother was complaining from the start. Ralph- you don't know how to cut a tree- etc. My Dad was always up for a "great adventure". Every summer we would go on family vacations and we would somehow always stay in crazy places with lots of "character" like the college dorms at Boston University. They had twin beds and bathrooms down the hall and no air-conditioning. I remember how hot and sweaty were were in the middle of July and the morning he decided to spray deodorant up his butt crack. That was a one-time only experiment.
My Dad parked the car in some wet mud and we later would have to spin the wheels to get out. Thank goodness we didn't have to change a tire like little Ralphy in the Christmas Story movie.
We were looking around for the perfect tree and my Dad decided to practice his technique on a Charlie Brown sapling. Naturally, his saw was old and rusty. We lived at the shore and everything rusts there. It took him about 15 minutes to saw through a tiny 2 inch wide stem. How long would it take to bring down a seven feet beauty?
As we were walking around I noticed these metal tubes all over the place. I also heard a lot of cars backfiring. I questioned my Dad. He said not to worry. I said Dad- isn't it deer hunting season? He said not to worry, they don't shoot deer in this area. Just then we heard a definite blast. We saw a person in the distance in an orange vest and my Dad had us hightail it for the wagon. Naturally we were also stuck in the mud so we had to get out and push to make our exit.
Needless to say- we ended up with the $25 tree and next year a new- fangled fake tree was purchased and reused for the next 30 years!
When my father's health started to fail, I would travel back to New Jersey on weekends. I would leave after work and get into the Philly airport at about 10 pm. There is nothing more nerve-racking than driving through the pine barrens and seeing a bunch of eyes in the trees. The deer eyes actually light up! I guess that is better than meeting the Jersey Devil!
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