My Baby Story

I recently visited new parents at the hospital and held their little bundle of joy.  The new mom was a bit shaken with the whole birth experience and she implied that no one had let her know about what to really expect about the whole process. I have to say that I do intentionally keep the graphic details out of my personal birthing experience when women are pregnant because there is no such thing about being a little bit pregnant.  You are going to have the labor experience no matter who you are and how far along you are. 

My sister had her baby five months before me and I talked to her while she was in the middle of labor and heard her painful contractions and then I basically was scared in anticipation of the whole process for the next half of my pregnancy.  That was when I decided not to be too graphic with the details around my pregnant friends.  The truth is that I have only known three women that basically "popped" the baby out.  Most of the women I know had a long and difficult deliveries.  I think my poor sister experienced crowning for almost two hours. 

I have no idea why anyone would think that the birth process would be magical.The final product is perfect and magical.  The process sucks. The movies and television shows pretty much let us all know that women experience pain.  They don't show all of the torture such as episitomties, epidurals and the total lack of privacy- not in that order of course.

Here are some of the my personal " highlights"-

1. Not realizing that I was having contractions for a day before the really painful contractions started. I alienated my friends by being grumpy and short with them on the phone. I also didn't eat anything that day except soup. This may be the trigger for alerting to women that they are about to start the birth process.

2.  The major contractions start.  I broke a wooden chair by grabbing it and holding on.  I wait 6 hours before going to the hospital at 3 am.  My husband drives like a frightened asian peasant fleeing Ganghas Khan. Believe me it was truly frightening.

3. We get to the hospital and immediately an emergency room (dictator) nurse examines me and breaks my water "by mistake".  She says "honey- you haven't dilated at all, if you are actually experiencing this level of pain now-we  are in big trouble".

4. 12 hours later, I still haven't dilated but 2 cm and can't have an epidural and I am in pain-apparently only in my mind- according to the nurses, they decide to give me pitocin. Oh Shit!

5. While I have Oprah on the TV set- so I know it between 4-5pm- the contractions are fucking killing me.

6.  The anathesisologist is alerted that I have dilated to 4 cm.  I get up on the table on my knees and get the needle in my spine for the epidural.  I am a very private person and all of this bare-assed, spread- eagled public display of my vag and anus are working a permanent need for physciatric appointments for the rest of my life.

7. It is 8pm and I am shaking and yet trying to rest.  The nurse is now very kind.  I have seen 8 other women come and go- in to other words successfully have their babies- I have still not dilated more than 4cm.  I ask the nurse what would have happened to me if I wasn't in a hospital and she replies- you would have died in childbirth.  Thanks- that somehow makes me feel like I can do anything now.

8. It is 11:45pm and the monitors go crazy.  The baby is in distress.  The doctor is called in.  I have never met her.  The nurses come in and shave me down-it is C-section time.  The anaestheiologist comes in again.  I get more juice in the epidural so that I can't feel anything from the shoulders down.  Before this is administered I poop on the table.  Jesus.

9.  11:55pm - I am on the operating table, shaking from  cold and fear, I hear the doctor say- "Oh my God I just missed her nose"- Now I am very confident  and all I can see is the drape and I am shaking my butt off( I wish). 

10.  11:56pm March 5th 1990- My daughter is born.  I haven't eaten in 2 days, I won't get to eat for 2 more after- I don't count Popsicles as food- they show me the baby she looks just like my husband- thank goodness-right?  She is really cute and sweet.  All I can remember is the damn ice chips and I am so thirsty.

I meet the anaesthesiologist one year later, when I had to have  a D &C.  The surgeon introduced us and he said-"we've meet before".  Very Disturbing. 

Can you understand why I don't want to tell  new mothers about my birth story?

Two great TV moments this week

Now that I am off for the summer- I do some gardening and I try to work out.  I have cleaned out every closet-but I am a fan of TV.  I know that I am not supposed to say things like this-but it is the truth.  My daughter and I have caught up on series like: Veep, The Big C, Burn Notice and are excited about the upcoming episodes of True Blood and Weeds.  I have to say that I have laughed out loud at two totally unexpected things this week:

1. Jerry O'Connell was hosting with Kelly and they were talking about how their children watch Disney movies over and over.  I can relate to that- I could never understand how my daughter would watch the same movie over and over for 4 months in a row.  Jerry started in on a monologue that leads into the the song- Part of your world and Kelly chimed in and remembered all the words also and then she did the whole push up on the rock- Thing a bobs- I've got 20 ,blah blah blah- I want more.
Both of them -I think a totally honest, original moment, both knowing all the words and singing in unison- That was a classic!  I could have done the same thing about 15 years ago- before I lost every memory.

2. Tonight on "Watch What Happens"-  Andy had Ramona singer as one of his guests and also the red head from the Office. ( I can't remember her name and I think she is hysterical- I just watched the show  30 minutes ago).  Do I need to see a doctor about this?  Anyway- Andy had a comedian in the bartender spot who does a perfect impression of Ramona and Bethany.  Her name is Amy Phillips and I think her Bethany impression is on You tube.   Check it out- FUNNY.  Of course if you have never watched the housewives you wouldn't get the joke-but I will admit to loving all things "Housewive".  Of course I have those tight ass "friends" that could never lower themselves  to watch such garbage.  Give me a break- sometimes you need to watch mindless drivel in order to just chill out.

Right now my girl Teresa has been dropped by Caroline and Jacqueline.  You all know how I love Teresa.  She has a beach house near where I grew up at the Jersey Shore and I love her spoiled children especially G to the A and MIL ANIA!  I find it amusing how the children are so animated. They are very comfortable around the cameras.

 Come on girls- Can't we all just get along?  Look at what just happened to Rodney King this week.  Life is short- look at how happy you all used to be! Momma T wants you all to get back to being friends!